I think I was happier when I was a drunk. I know I was more miserable in many ways, but I think overall, I was happier. I remember enjoying life more when I was drinking. A trip to the grocery store was an adventure after a bottle of wine. I would engage with the cashier’s small talk rather than grunt my responses until they got the hint or the transaction was over, as I do now.

Bike rides were more fun with booze, too. Hell, everything was more fun drunk.

After two and a half years of sobriety, I’m just angry all the time. I hate everyone and everything, and I don’t find pleasure in life the way I used to after a few drinks.

On the surface, it seems like a hell of a good reason to start drinking again, but I know if I started, I would be just as miserable as I am now and maybe even more so. Maybe I would still be angry like I am now, and also have all of the shame and regret that comes with alcohol. That would be super fucked up.

I won’t start drinking again because I’m too stubborn. It’s been two and a half years. Why start now? If I did have a drink and decided to quit again, it would take another two and a half years just to get back to this point. I might as well just keep raw doggin’ life and find some other way to cope.