My First Mannequin

Back in 2000, Bonnie’s mom’s friend hired me to clean out her cooking school. I understand what a strange sentence that is, but it’s true. Her name was Dorit (she died last year), and she owned a cooking school. Her accountant embezzled a bunch of money from her and skipped town, so she was forced to close the school. Then, she had to vacate the space where the school had been located. That’s where I came in only because I had a big truck at the time.

She told me I could take whatever I wanted. One of the things that caught my eye was a mannequin. I had always wanted a mannequin, and now I had the opportunity to acquire one for the perfect price, free. It stood next to my bed for a little while until I moved and sold it at a garage sale.

Bonnie Bought a Big Barbie

About ten years later, Bonnie decided that she wanted a mannequin to fill the void left in her by never being allowed to have Barbies to play with when she was a child. She found one online and stood her in the living room. We named her Bianca, and Bonnie would change her hair and clothes to match the seasons.

In the summertime, we would leave our front door open to cool the house down. Occasionally, a salesman would come to the door at dusk. They would stand there and give Bianca their sales pitch, thinking she was a real person. Very often, we would be sitting within earshot listening to them talking to her, and we would let them go without intervening. Last year, our son watched Lars and the Real Girl for the first time, and he came to us and said, “I finally understand why you named her Bianca!”

Mavis: The Dead-Eyed Mannequin Who Steals The Souls Of The Innocent

Shortly after we adopted Bianca, my mom got the mannequin itch and asked us to keep our eyes peeled for one. As fate would have it, one would come into our lives without us even trying to find it. Bonnie’s niece’s baby daddy worked at Goodwill, and he would cherry-pick all of the donations. He had met Bianca, so when a mannequin was donated, he immediately thought of Bonnie. He sold her to us for $1, and then we passed her on to my mom, who named her Mavis.

Mavis was an unconventional mannequin. She wasn’t classy or sophisticated like the mannequins you might see in a department store or at Target. I don’t know what Mavis’s background was, but she wasn’t selling pantsuits, I can tell you that much. Mavis was stacked. She was packing double-ds, at least. She looked like she modeled lingerie at Fredrick’s of Hollywood, and she had the expression of a veteran sex worker who had seen it all and done it all.

My mom stood her near the garage door, so whenever you turned the corner to go out to the garage, she was there. No matter how many times you saw her standing there, she startled you every time. I received a text from my sister one night that said, “Thank you again for Mavis, the dead-eyed mannequin who steels the souls of the innocent.” My parents still use her dead eyes to scare trick-or-treaters at Halloween.

Trannyquin: The Barbieken Mannequin

I was at a gift shop today and I saw this mannequin that appears to be a mix of both Ken and Barbie. It has the face of a man, bigger boobs than Mavis, and she looks like she’s trying to squeeze out a fart, but not covertly. She wants it to be loud to get a reaction from all of her friends and shock the new kids. If Andrew McCarthy brought this thing to life, she would manhandle him like Eldona in Nothing But Trouble. (A woefully underrated movie, by the way) It looks like a character you would find at Knott’s Berry Farm, Six Flags, or any of the two-bit, knock-off theme parks that don’t have Disneyland’s budget.

What Was She Made For? 🎶

Does this thing help sales? I only noticed the clothes when I looked back at this picture. When I was there, all I saw was how ridiculous the mannequin looked. To be fair, though, I’m not the target demographic for women’s summer wear. If it’s meant to draw attention to the store, it’s doing a good job. I couldn’t tell you what’s on either side of this store, but I went into this one, so I guess it works. 🤷‍♂️ You gotta do what you can in this economy, especially when you’re selling a bunch of overpriced tat.

I have to say, though, if it’s between this unit and the boring, featureless, plus-sized mannequins at Target, I’ll take the replica of Lucy stomping grapes in Italy. Stores have become so drab and risk-averse. Remember Fry’s Electronics? Now, store mannequins don’t even have faces, and some have no arms or legs. Maybe if there were interesting mannequins to look at in stores, people would actually go to stores instead of buying everything online. It’s more likely that a mannequin, like Trannyquin, would offend someone, and they would sue for their hurt feelings. Lawyers make everything worse.