Ever since Amazon began offering free two-day shipping, I’ve heard Luddites complain that people are too impatient to wait for their packages. “They can’t wait,” they say, “they gotta have it in two days.” My argument has always been that even one-day shipping is too long. If I can’t get something same day, you’re wasting my time.

There was a time, not so long ago, that I used to be able to walk into a store, and walk out with a product. Now – and I fully recognize that Amazon is to blame – stores don’t sell anything. They’re filled with more shit than ever before, but they never have the thing I’m looking for, so I’m forced to go online and then wait at least two days for it to arrive. Lately, though, Amazon’s two-day shipping is total shit. Just this week, I ordered something on the sixth. It was supposed to be here on the eighth, but it didn’t arrive until the eleventh. It’s bad enough that I can’t get what I need when I need it, but now I can’t even count on it being here when they say it will.

The Saga Of My Showerhead

So, this morning, the showerhead was clogged up from years of hard water running through it. It could probably be cleaned with acid, but the gasket was knackered, so I decided to just replace the showerhead. I am very particular about everything, and my showerhead is no exception. I like the old low-flow showerheads that used to be ubiquitous in every cheap motel and apartment in the country. Mine is on the end of a handle attached to a hose. I like the high pressure. Plus, the showerhead is cheap and readily available – or rather, it used to be.

I went to Lowe’s to buy a new showerhead and was dismayed to find that they didn’t have one. They didn’t even have anything close to what I was looking for. I wasn’t surprised. I’m sure there’s far more profit in luxury showerheads with eight different settings than in a simple low-flow showerhead. I didn’t want a luxury showerhead, though. I wanted the showerhead that I’ve been using for the past 35 years.

So, I went to The Home Depot. They didn’t have one either, so we went to the shitty DIY store. They almost had what I was looking for. It was close enough, so I bought it, but that was three stores and an hour of my life that I’ll never get back.

Who Knew It Would Be This Hard?

While I was in each store, I looked at toolboxes to try to find a suitable replacement for my rollaway. There were endless plastic options available, but I want a metal toolbox. My only options for metal toolboxes in all three stores were giant rollaway tool chests, with one exception. Lowe’s had a classic Craftsman three-drawer toolbox. It was in a box, though, so I couldn’t open the drawers to feel the slides. Neither of the other two stores even had a cheap knockoff of that style of toolbox.

And Then It Hit Me

While I was walking down an aisle filled with plastic, stackable, modular toolboxes, I said to myself, I just want a simple, small, portable toolbox. Don’t they make such a thing anymore? And that’s when I had two revelations. The first was that this whole journey I’m on to clean out my garage and get rid of all of the excess is about simplifying my life. I had been circling around that idea, but I hadn’t been able to put my finger on it.

The second was that I’m the only one trying to do that. Simple is most definitely not en vogue right now, at least when it comes to tool storage, and that’s going to make simplifying my life anything but simple. When you’re swimming upstream, trying to do the opposite of what everyone else is doing, it can be nearly impossible to get shit done. The only notable exception is the stock market. In retail, however, there’s no room for originality.

That Time I Tried To Find A Sombrero Out Of Season

About 15 years ago, I wanted a sombrero for my Halloween costume, so we went to the local Halloween store, but they didn’t have any. So, we went to another, no dice. We went to a party store, a Mexican grocery, a Mexican liquor store, and even a Mexican party store, but there were no sombreros to be found anywhere. It wasn’t even so close to Halloween that everyone was sold out. They just didn’t have any. I don’t think I’ve been in a Halloween store since then and not seen a sombrero. Being out of step with the rest of the world has its advantages, but damn it if it isn’t frustrating at times.

So, while the rest of the world is seeking out complexity, I’ll be over here trying to simplify my life, to the chagrin of corporate America.