I once heard a woman on the radio say that American bladders must be different from European bladders on account of how we have no public restrooms in this country. Sadly, no, our bladders don’t work differently from any others; we just have sadistic, self-absorbed, assholes running the country who refuse to spend a dime on the greater good.

Absolutely everyone pees. That’s a fact. Not everyone shits, and least not regularly. It’s not a curse I’ve ever been afflicted with, but I’ve heard that some people struggle with it. Still, everyone has to pee at some point throughout the day, and yet, our infrastructure would have you believe that nobody ever needs to between leaving the house and arriving back home.

Of course, I understand that nobody wants to spend the money to maintain public restrooms, and if you build them, the hobos will try to live in them, but those are problems that also need to be solved. I just can’t understand why our basic infrastructure design doesn’t account for the bodily functions of every single person on the planet.

Bathroom trailers like this one are the best the city of Ventura can come up with to solve this problem, and don’t get me wrong, it’s light-years ahead of any other city in the county. But even still, the one I used today had three toilets, but only one of them was unlocked. What’s the point of renting these things if you’re not going to make them available?

As I was walking to the trailer, a little kid about seven years old ran up to it just ahead of me. He tried one door, and then the other, but they were both locked, and he saw a woman go in the third, so he knew that was the only working one, so he began milling, aimlessly around the trailer the way kids do, and a moment later he was joined by his father, who, despite his son’s report had to try all the doors himself. Then, he came over and stood in line next to me.

When the woman came out, I told the kid he could go first. Yes, he technically beat me to the bathroom, but his dad didn’t know that, and I got in line first. Regardless, I told the kid he could go ahead of me. He said, “Thank you,” and climbed the stairs into the trailer. His dad, didn’t say a word to me. That’s okay, bitch, I don’t mind teaching your son how to be a real man. I thought.

I wish I had gone first, though. That little fucker needs to drink some water and learn how to flush a toilet.